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Pretty darn
funny jokes about rifles and target shooting
(True Story)
Sharpshooters of the Week - stories from the Summer 2004
Olympics Enjoying a commanding lead
on the Olympic 50-meter three-position rifle final, American
Matt Emmons, 23, needed to score only 8.0 (anywhere near the
bull's eye) to win the gold medal. Emmons shot an 8.1 but it
didn't count because he fired at the wrong target. He finished
eighth. Fellow American Michael Anti
would have won the gold medal in that same event, but had to
settle for the silver after two points were deducted from his
score because he fired too many shots from the kneeling
position. As a result, he finished six-tenths of a point behind
Jia Zhanbo of China. Referring to his and Matt Emmons shooting,
Michael Anti said, "We both made bonehead mistakes
today."
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to
buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even
know that I'm going to shoot him!"
Frank was excited about his new rifle and
decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a
small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on
his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The
black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my
cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you
to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even
though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and
vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the
black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap
on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next
to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you
to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was
better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to
death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back
to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot
it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a
tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear
standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said,
"Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do
you?"
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head
to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner
on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided,
sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.
Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other,
landing on a rock and only breaking both legs. That was the good
news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry
for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please
forgive me and grant me just one wish: please make a
Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please,
Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its
knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right
at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am
about to receive."
Two hunters in Mississippi were walking in the woods when one
accidentally tripped on a tree root, which caused an accidental
discharge of his rifle into his best friends side. Quickly
getting his wits about him, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911.
The operator came on and said "what is the nature of your
emergency?" The hunter replied "I think I just
accidentally killed my best friend! What do I do?"
The operator thought for a second and said, "Goodness! Well
go over and make sure he's really dead."
Listening on the phone, the operator was startled by the advent
of two more gun shots. In a few seconds the hunter got on the
phone and said "OK... now what do I do?"
Two old friends were just
about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course
when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you
mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said. So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the
course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you
do for a living?"
"I'm a hitman," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag,
and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large
telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other
friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see
my house from here." So she picked up the rifle and looked
through the sight in the direction of her house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is
fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my husband in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see
he's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in
there with him.......She's naked as well! The bitch!"
She turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a
hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time
I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my husband. He's a bit of a cad, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson. Then the neighbor,
she's a friend of mine and she's always been mouthy, so shoot
her in the mouth."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" she asked
impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman
calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."
A hunter was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across
a large, trophy sized bear. She raised her rifle and took
careful aim. Just as she was about to pull the trigger, the bear
turned and began to speak to her!
"Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want?
Let's negotiate the matter," said the bear.
Lowering her rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and
then replied, "I want a fur coat." "Good,"
said the bear, "that is a negotiable item. I only want a
full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a
compromise."
They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away
alone; the negotiations had been successful. The bear had a full
stomach, and the hunter had her fur coat.
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn,
considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public.
But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he
had scored three bulls eyes. The star prize for the evening was
a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a
consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the
crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before.
Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk
insisted, and once more scored three bulls eyes and was given
another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in
the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger
three times. Once more he had scored three bulls eyes. But this
time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he
scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the
target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes Sir!" he announced to the crowd, "this is
fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize,
this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware."
"I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied.
"Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat
pies."
This is a real excerpt from National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about
to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't
it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone
about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot
and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its
feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell
them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The
hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up
the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him
carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling
it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he
felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308
rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car
trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk,
Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the
night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against
a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to
sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he
had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I
was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and
not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife
angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and
put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and
loudly announced, "Armadillo, killed with a hunting
knife."
One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted
and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some
instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the
target. The report came from the target area that all attempts
had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked
at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his
finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger
with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off,
whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving
here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Photos
of me a la Rifle
Resource
links on Rifles & Target Shooting
My
Column series on Rosie the Rifle
Photos
of Barbie at the Range
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