Mindful Living: The Art of Being Single

You know, I’m not a traditional gal. There’s a lot of things about me that just don’t jive with the generally accepted views of women, and I’m OK with that. But try as I might, I still feel the pressure of the coupled up society. Not so pressured that I’ve felt that I had to marry just to marry, but pressured enough, say, to not go alone to the movie Saturday night because Saturday is definitely Date Night. At 34, I’ve thought some about the reality that marriage might not be on the books for me. As I see it, if I had wanted to get married - I would have done so already. (I feel the same way about children). Maybe it’s that the Right Guy just hasn’t come along yet. Or maybe it’s that my non-traditional views of relationships never lead me down that path. Or, maybe I’m just too darn ornery. It’s not been for lack of offers, I just never felt sufficiently motivated to marry anyone.

Still, I have my moments of doubt. Everyone else sure is busy pairing up. Should I settle down (or just settle) for someone if my right partner doesn’t come along by the time I’m 35, or 40, or 45? Or will I become the eccentric aunt type that I tend to envision myself as? And really, what does God have to do with all this?

My general view on life is that God Helps Those Who Help Themselves. OK, I do that. I date more than any single person I know. I am active, involved, and enthusiastic about life. So, what’s the deal God? The theory I’ve been running on is that we are all exactly where we are supposed to be Right Now. In other words, God wants me to be single now because there’s stuff to be done, and I probably couldn’t do it if I was distracted by some guy. I know I’m doing a lot of good for myself and the world right now. It would be harder to do all that and be involved with someone because a relationship takes nurturing.

But I do wonder if they have to be mutually exclusive. And what governs the whole dating thing anyway? One school of thought has Cynthia Heimel saying: “If he’s the wrong man, you can turn yourself inside out with smiles and perfume and French maid’s outfits and nothing will work. If he’s the right man, you can have greasy hair, spinach in your teeth, and your skirt on inside out, and he’ll still be entranced and follow you to the ends of the earth.” In other words, you don’t have to work at it, just “be.” On the othr hand, The “Guerrilla Dating Tactics” school of thought (yes, it’s a real book) suggests you dress your best anywhere you might meet someone. If I lean toward the latter, it’s because I think dressing is an art, the most immediate kind of art - and worth pursuing for it’s own sake.

Then there’s the whole independent thing. I have the sense that once you hit your 30’s you pretty much have your life set. I have all the toasters I need; I’m pretty good at shoveling out my car; and I know how to handle just about any crisis on my own, emotional or otherwise. I’m not sure I’m sufficiently motivated to commit to a relationship, never mind marriage. On the other hand, the opportunity for a steady source of cuddling is quite appealing.

My favorite mystery author Sue Grafton put it in a nutshell for me: “On the one hand, you sometimes yearn for the simple comfort of companionship; someone to discuss your day with, someone with whom you can celebrate a raise or tax refund, someone who’ll commiserate when you’re down with a cold. On the other hand, once you get used to being alone (in other words, having everything your way), you have to wonder why you’d ever take on the aggravation of a relationship. Other human beings have all these hotly held opinions, habits, and mannerisms, bad art and peculiar taste in music, not to mention mood disorders, food preferences, passions, hobbies, allergies, emotional fixations and attitudes that in no way coincide with the correct ones, namely yours.”

So yeah, it’s hard to contemplate losing my identity even a little bit to mesh again with another person. But surely love of another person is pretty close to love of Spirit? The only think I know for sure is that I want a man with a spiritual life. It doesn’t have to be the same as mine, but something. And I do wish God could be a little clearer on what she wants me to do. After all, if I knew that Mr. Right would come along in October of 2000, I wouldn’t waste the meantime on the dating regime. But maybe it’s something about the process of all that dating that will make the Mr. come along. What a mystery! I think I’ll go pray on it...

Copyright July, 2000