Looking for Truth with a Capital T  

By Cybèle Elaine Werts
CybeleW@aol.com  
www.supertechnogirl.com

The idea of truth is a fence that keeps out others who have a different truth. It's the grandest illusion, in which we believe and to which we attach our hopes. It is generally opaque, while the illusions that lead to understanding and justice are transparent. They allow life to pass through them, whereas truth is a sentry keeping life out.
~ Thomas Moore, psychotherapist; Parabola magazine

In a former life I was a graphic designer and I learned how to airbrush photos. My friends loved it because I could straighten out their teeth, disappear dark circles under their eyes, and generally make them look a wee bit more fabulous. I also could switch their heads with Paul Newman's or give them purple hair, but no one ever took me up on that offer. Of course I always take myself up on my offers and so I airbrush myself into perfection. I figure if I'm going to be immortalized, I want to have perfect skin, rosy lips, and lush lashes. So what you're seeing in my photos is me, but like the Bionic Woman, it's a better, stronger, faster me. Truth, but not truth.

When I was growing up, I remember hearing about Truth, with a capital T. That's an ultimate truth, or something that's immutable like life and death, (and taxes as my mother used to say). The thing is, aside from the biggies like death, I haven't found too many things to be immutable. Just like my photos are at the same time true and untrue, so is my experience of life. Simultaneously clear and puzzling.

One puzzling thing happened when I moved to Vermont. Since I was asked "Why are you moving to Vermont?" so often, I developed a series of responses based on who was asking. There was the short version "I just love it there" to the long version explaining the broader shift in my life, to the spiritual version about living in your "right place." These things are all true, and yet they are different perspectives of the same answer. They are the "Layers of Why" as my sister Cindy calls it. Cindy says there is never one truth because not only does the truth of any one act change over time, but the truth that you tell someone is often based on factors such as the level of their interest and their ability to relate on a spiritual level.

The Layers of Why also affect my writing in some weird ways. Recently I received some criticism about my columns. The reader didn't like that I had written about some painful and very personal things that happened in my last relationship. It got me to thinking about what it's okay to write about, and what it not. Rarely do I write about bad experiences, but it would be both unbalanced and dishonest to write about the all good stuff but stop writing when things got hairy. Of course I never wrote "he's a big pain in the butt," although I had my moments of temptation. But I did write about the brutal pain that seared me like a branding iron when he left. I spoke my truth, and in my own defense he did have final approval, but it was still pretty rough reading. Writing or reading about painful things is never really fun, but then I'm not aiming for just fun either.

Being that it is all my perspective, it is also by definition not his, and most definitely not truth with a capital T. It really couldn't be because there is no truth with a capital T. People can and will argue about what death is, and there certainly are people who don't pay taxes. (although not many I'll grant you). That kind of dualistic approach is understandable in a culture like ours that practically preaches it, but useless when applied to an actual life experience like getting dumped. I never could figure out how anyone knew what Truth was, being that everyone is always disagreeing about it. Is there anything that everyone, I mean everyone, believes in? Is killing wrong? Not in wartime. Not in self defense. Is polygamy wrong? Well maybe, depending what your religion is. Is beating your wife with a cane no thicker than your pinkie wrong? Not if you lived a hundred years ago. Same with slavery. Is independent thinking wrong? Not if you live in the United States, but quite possibly if you live in an Asian country. What about God? There are enough versions of a deity to keep me writing clear into my next life.

Another theory about truth is that it's based on what a particular culture believes is right at a particular time in history. We can see that premise in action in many of the questions I listed, although it seems awfully mucky going. This all drives me quite crazy of course because as much as I understand that I am writing a Layer of Why, I also want my ex to answer all my questions with the Truth. He doesn't have any truth, T or not, any more than my writing does. Writing is a gatekeeper, expressing what I want to share with you and leaving out the rest, which really is the bigger part of things. You couldn't possibly include all conceivable perspectives or even most. The good part is that hopefully, you hear my message loud and clear, plus get a little entertained in the process. The challenging part is that it doesn't include other opinions, including those of people, like my former boyfriend, who have a stake in what I say. Kind of sucks for him, but then he lost all credibility some time ago.

I suppose you were hoping I'd come up with some dramatic conclusion. The Truth is that the only real constant I have is confusion. That being said, my fellow writers tell me that I should just say "to heck with you" to people who criticize what I write about. After all, the only thing I really have that's truly mine is my own truth. That plus a little airbrushing to make it a wee bit more fabulous.



Copyright 2004

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