Mindful Living: Marriage in a Changing World

I grew up a child of divorce. My mother twice, my father once. Their friends, nearly all. “Marriage is so much more than living together,” my married friends say. “It’s just a piece of paper,” my living-together friends say. Maybe. Maybe not. My mom said that it’s both natural and healthy to have a series of love relationships in your life. Considering that’s what most people do, she was probably right.

Certainly my own lifestyle is hardly traditional, but I am struck by the fact that four of my female friends have had or are having affairs with married men, dispite their far more conservative upbringing. Two of the women are married, two are not, but none feel badly enough to stop. These women are intelligent, educated, and attractive. Yet they are still willing to be party to hurting another woman, even though some of them have been on the flip side, and say it was hell. The pop culture answer is that they are desperate and have low self esteem, but I don’t buy it. Maybe they’re just good at rationalizing away a world that can be lonely and confusing. Maybe relationships are more complex than they used to be.

On a broader scale, all that rationalizing could account for the fact that so many of us aren’t interested in whether our president is zipped up or not, as long as the economy is strong. My mom also said that you have to consider the total person, the larger situation, and not condemn the whole because of one flaw. If I was the wife wronged I probably could only see them as the “other woman.” But as a friend I can see them as complex women of strength, weakness, passion, joy, sadness.

Two other close friends took another route with non-traditional marriages that are working successfully. “Brandy” and her husband have had an open relationship for fifteen years. It’s a pretty good argument for credibility. Another friend “Hillary” and her partner have a “don’t ask, don’t tell.” policy. They agreed years ago that they could occasionally “have a night out” with other friends as long as it was discreet and safe. They also agreed not to discuss it, which does make me wonder - how operational can an agreement be if it’s voided by discussion?

From the looks of the personal ads my friends aren’t in any minority either. There are nearly as many married people looking for a little on the side as everything else. “Discreet” being the operative word, followed quickly by “no strings” and “no emotional baggage.” No baggage? Who would that be? If you haven’t been hurt then you haven’t been having relationships. Most people have good intentions, but getting hurt is inevitable when people have conflicting needs and backgrounds. What’s important is not how much you were hurt but how you survived it.

What’s really surprising is that these personal ads are so shameless. No excuses, no embarrassment, no whining “she doesn’t understand me.” It’s like they are denying that anyone is being hurt. Others claim to have an “open marriage,” but not so open that you could ask their spouse about it. It hurts me to read so many ads from so many unhappily married people. Not because they are unhappy, but because they think having an affair solves something. Of course it’s hardly crystal clear in my mind either. Is it more of a sin if you are both married? After all, it affects both your own and your lover’s spouse. Is having an affair justified if your spouse refuses to have sex? If they didn’t like the movies and you did, well, you’d go with another friend. Even if sex isn’t like movies, should a person have to give up either for life? It’s all fuzzy and confusing, particularly from the perspective of being single. Whatever marriage is or is not, the only thing for sure is that the only person I can judge is myself.

Copyright May, 1999

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